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Who Moved My Rice?

Chapter One – Let’s Go Shopping!

I do not wish to be mean-spirited. Given how recently China embraced English as a second language, they’ve achieved a great deal in a short time.

What would happen if the US tried to add Chinese to all its signs? Before you answer, remember that Pepsi translated “Choice Of A New Generation” into “Bring Your Dead Ancestors Back To Life” and Coke translated its name into “Bite The Wax Tadpole.”

But even so, observing some of the things I’m about to describe can always lift my mood. Proving that I’m easily amused.

Think of the largest supermarket you’ve ever seen in your life. Even if it was only on television.

Got it?

Okay. It’s tiny. It’s an insignificant speck. It’s a bug on the windshield of several Chinese supermarkets.

You don’t believe me, do you? Well, I probably haven’t been to the store you have in mind, but probably you haven’t been to Hangzhou either. The stores I have in mind can eat at least five Sam’s Clubs for an appetizer. We laugh at K-Mart and Wal-Mart Super Stores. Hah!

Okay, now picture shopping in a place such as I’ve described, with no signs telling you what’s down every aisle. Or, to be more precise, signs in a foreign language. Oh, let’s say Chinese. And just so there’s no misunderstanding here, you can’t read Chinese.

Scary, isn’t it? But fortunately, the three massive supermarkets I walk to have their aisles labeled in English as well. Let’s walk through them, shall we? Here are some helpful labels:

Hareware Tool
Hareware Fitting
Gardening Fitting
Bauble Toy
Washing and Dailying
Beding
Pygamas
Storage Ark
Hoosehold Artcals
Cleaning Things
Nourish Food
Pufled Food
Invigorant
Chocolate (where they keep the coffee)
Pasty
Small Foodstuff
Samll Food Stuff
Beef Silk
Westem Cake
Drincking
Spiee and Sauee
Bluk Candy (where they keep the taco shells)

If you can’t find TrustMart in Hangzhou, the city has erected some signs pointing you to it, the “local groggery.”

If you’ve never used Shanghai Gling Wrap, you’re missing out. Glad and Saran are garbage. Nothing glings like Shanghai Gling Wrap.

How good is the milk? On the side of one carton is this promise:

“Fresh and Delicious tasted as the first love”

There are several fire hoses attached to the wall in strategic locations. All bearing the label “firehyd rant.” US President FDR had a Fireside Chat, so Chinese President Jiang Zemin has a Firehyd Rant.

On the way out, one is treated to many signs reading:

“Welcome To Come Again”

“In order to provide better Services, protect your right, please kindly tell us your unsatisfactory. We will contact you within 48 hours.”